Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
