At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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