I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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