I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
