im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
