dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
