it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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