In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
