they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
