Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
