She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
