i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
