ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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