btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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