While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
