well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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