She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
