I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize