so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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