my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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