i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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