There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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