if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
