I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
