Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize