Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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