When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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