there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
