So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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