i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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