you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
