We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
