Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i love accidental penises.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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