He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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