I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
