omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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