I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
