Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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