I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
