U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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