when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
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so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
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Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet