I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha