This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
