when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
