I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
