Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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