DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
