Are we in a gay sports bar?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
