You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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