sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
