I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
two words: eviction party
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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