I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
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my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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