i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
