bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
