Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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