Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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