remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
