she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
