How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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