I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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