I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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